Essentially, Moogan

Does the content of one’s character depend on what other people think or of the one judging the character? I’ve disliked/liked someone based on what other people thought on them and then realized later the opposite.

But what if you judged your own character based on what other people thought? I do. But then again, I thought - up until recently - that I was a decent person. That I tried my best to make the most out of any situation I got myself into, even if it was a shitty situation. And now here I am: lonely and depressed and questioning myself because my integrity was challenged by someone close to me.

Lemme ask you guys another question… If one person believes that “this” happened, but the person that allegedly did “this” claims innocence, and the only witness that’s testified doesn’t recall “this”, then who is right?

I didn’t do what I was accused of, but I have no proof that I didn’t do it. Then again, my accuser doesn’t have proof that I did. Instead, he has an overbearing voice, a dangerous temper, rather unstable emotions, a tender ego, and a knack for extreme exaggerating.

People accuse me of having an ego. I wish I knew what having one was like. Confidence and an egotistic attitude are not the same. I’m confident in the fact that I know exactly what I know and that’s not much. I make educated guesses and even then I don’t voice them and I can be wrong. I’m confident that I know people about as much as they’ll let me know them, but I would never say anything about anyone that I didn’t specifically know. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that and it sucks.

“I heard she hooked up with a way older guy and now she’s pregnant.”
“…she tried to kill someone.”
“…that she’s taking a lot of pills.”
“…that she’s an alcoholic.”
“…that she slept with that entire frat house.”
“…the reason she doesn’t stay here is because she’s going through rehab.”
“…the reason she’s always at the nursing station is because she’s selling drugs.”
“…she cheated on her boyfriend with like six guys in a night.”

These are just a few of the pieces of “juicy gossip” said about me, both long ago and recent. Lies can damage not only the reputations of people, but can permanently damage their self-esteem and ability to trust anyone.

I’ve tried really hard over the last 10 years to like myself and I had made really great progress until a few nights ago when I was informed of how I spoke about someone. Someone whose company I enjoyed. Someone who I hadn’t spoken badly about since she and I had it out months ago, but I said them all to her. She’s had problems recently, sure. But I just kept moving on, knowing that she’d figure it out. And I kept my mouth shut about it (something I am learning). Yet somehow, I managed to land myself in a position that I never thought I’d be in.

“I’ve heard you’ve said some really bad stuff about me… You were saying a bunch of stuff about the conflict between me and -name-. I don’t think he would lie about that… If you were talking shit, own up to it… Well the stuff I was told you said really, really hurt my feelings so either he lied which is unlikely or you’ve been trashing me when you obviously don’t know what’s going on… Don’t get mad at me for being misinformed (that’s my favorite line, as if I could have any other emotion)… He told me you said that I cheated on -name- and that I’m on drugs and all of these other things… I can’t take a side because one of you is lying to me… Well he told me you started talking shit and supposedly he called you out on it that night too…”

Granted, this is a condensed version of the things that I was told by the person that I was supposedly talking shit about, but you get the point. The worst part in all of this is that I don’t even know where or who to go to. Shane says I should let it go and let my accuser become a part of my past. One of my best friends said “fuck that guy”. The thing is… I’m so mad at myself for allowing something like this to happen - something that I couldn’t control - that all I can think is “what if I don’t make it out of this?”

For those of you sending me hateful anonymous messages on Tumblr: YOU’RE A COWARD.

from making amends with people who don’t deserve it.

from picking myself up from under people’s feet.

from being put in positions I never wanted to be in.

from the lies.

from always being there for you only to have you stab me in the back.

from being honest with you and having you stab me in the face.

from making excuses for you, defending you, and protecting you.

from having to constantly explain myself when I shouldn’t have to.

from having to deal with various addictions that you “hide”.

from you screaming at me unjustly.

from being a better friend than you are.

You exhaust me.

Not necessarily what I asked for or even really wanted…

But somehow turned out okay.

Today marks 1/366 days that I am actually going to do something a therapist [she was a counselor when I first saw her] asked me to do in order to help me with my depression and anxiety. She told me, “It seems that the root of the problem lies in the fact that you neither believe in yourself nor do you accept yourself for who you are and what you’ve accomplished. I challenge you to keep a journal that, every day, you write something down about yourself that you like. This can range anywhere from physical appearance to personality traits to small accomplishments - something, anything, that made you feel special that day.” And so, two and a half years later, I’m finally going to do it. This year will be even more special since it’s a leap year, giving me one more day to like something about myself.

Bonus challenges: Not using the word “but” while writing; no repeating traits.

I challenge my followers to do the same. If this year really DOES bring the apocalypse, I would enjoy liking myself before meeting The End. Who is with me?